Random Bits 3
by Nashiil
Summary: It's finaly UPDATED! Follow along as Spira's heroes experience the horrors of traffic!
1. Chapter 1

Title: Random Bits 3 – Chapter 1

Setting: Yuna and her Guardians are on their way to Guadosalam for a celebration.

**Mi'hen Highroad** - There is a lot of traffic due to the party and Rikku has been sent to scout ahead to see why traffic is slowing down. Yuna is having trouble with her chocobo.

"Ooooh! It doesn't look good up there." Rikku said, rejoining the group in the 'emergency ditch'. Spira's 'emergency ditch' is the equivalent of the 'emergency lane'; a whole lane set aside that provides travelers with an area of safety where they can deal with minor emergencies (vehicle break downs, motion sickness, beverage spills, etc.) and domestic problems (driver/passenger disputes, directional confusion, and threatening to make unruly kids walk home). The emergency ditch is treated in the same manner as the emergency lane too. In other words the ignorant, impatient, or just plain stupid drive in it. You know who you are.

"Things don't look good here either. Yuna's chocobo stalled." Wakka returned, signaling his companions into the ditch, where they joined three old men in a broken down chocobo drawn wagon; (It looked about as old as they did. If possible the chocobo looked older.) who were complaining about how much more respect chocoboists had 'back in the day' and other ramblings.

The companions had quickly become separated on the traffic clogged Mi'hen Highroad, which just goes to show that you don't needs vehicles for traffic to happen, just a lot of people headed for free food. Kimhari was always bringing up the rear, his chocobo's stick legs trembling under its burden of Ronso. Yuna was also near the rear because her chocobo kept stalling. Currently she was sitting astride her idling chocobo, impeding the flow of traffic.

"I'll help you, Yuna." Tidus called gallantly, swinging his avian mount back onto the road and into oncoming chocoboists.

"What a dork, ya?" Wakka snorted to everyone in earshot while he picked his nose.

"Yeah." Auron replied, hiding a smile in his collar. Tidus' battle cry of "Tidus to the rescue!" rang embarrassingly loud as he scattered travelers.

They watched Tidus push, pull, poke, and pinch the chocobo, but to no avail.

"It won't go!" Tidus shouted back several moments and multiple stab wounds later. It's never a good idea to poke any bird that size, especially if it was born with a natural knife on its face.

"Kick 'er in the fluff!" Shouted one of the old men.

"Pull choke!" Kimahri suggested helpfully. Auron eyed the three old men wheezing beside their wagon. Old Man #1. was of the tall, bony sort, who stood as straight as a pole with a shock of wind blown white hair and had the overall appearance of a rickety scarecrow in an oversized red robe. Old Man #2 was of the short, balding, bow-legged variety. He stood hunched over his sagging stomach and spindly cane, his back so stooped he looked like an avalanche looming over a village. Old Man #3 was somewhere between the other two with gray hair growing out of his ears that matched the thin gray hair on his head. He was nearly deaf as a post and emitted a constant whistle from his nostrils. His skin tended to congregate in flaps around his joints and neck. Auron recognized them immediately and set off to offer aid. One good turn deserves another.

Yuna looked a Tidus. It was worth a try. She put her hands around the bird's skinny neck and squeezed. The chocobo emitted a strangled 'Kweh!' and bolted forward, a very surprised Yuna clinging to its back.

"ooooOKAYIGotiiit!" She squealed as the chocobo tore off down the road in a cloud of dust. Tidus quickly swung back on his chocobo and, kicking it in the sides, took off after Yuna with a loud whoop.

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I know it's short, but there will be more chapters...I promise! Please read and review, or the chocobo will peck your eyes out! 


	2. Chapter 2

Yay! chapter 2! I would like to appologize for the length on this one and I promise that it does get better. Please leave comments and reviews. I like to keep everyone in character, but a little on the silly side, (exaggerating their personality traits)so let me know how I am doing. If you want to know who the strange old gezzers are, please read **A Random Adventure.**

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Title: Random Bits 3 – Chapter 2

Setting: Yuna and her Guardians are on their way to Guadosalam for a celebration.

**Mi'hen Highroad** - **New Road-South **- After fixing the old men's wagon and catching Yuna's runaway chocobo, Spira's heroes have come upon a slight delay on the bridge. Kimahri, as usual is lagging behind.

"Oh dear." Yuna sighed, surveying the scene before her. Six chocobos and their riders lay in a tangle on the bridge effectively stopping traffic. A cart lay farther up the road on its side, rice spilling out. Several chocobos were already gorging themselves on the grain. One of them would explode later on that night, leaving only a scattering of feathers to mark its passing. Angry and impatient shouts filled the air as more people filled the area, but had nowhere to go. To top it off some idiot was climbing up on the rail of the bridge with a hastily written sign that read: 'Kweh if you love chocobos.' In short, it was a chocobo jam.

"Is that Clasko?" Rikku gasped incredulously. Auron shielded his eye and squinted. It sure was. A choir of 'Kwehs' rose above the din as chocoboists slapped their chocobo's heads in compliance with the sign. He rolled his eye as the 'kids' of the group laughed and slapped their chocobo's too. Wakka was included in the category of 'kid' for the same reason Lulu was included in the category of 'adult'. Although being the third oldest member of their group he had the mentality of well, Tidus.

"This is taking too long." Tidus whined to Yuna, as Kimahri came into sight, his chocobo on the verge of collapse

. "The Chocobo Knights are doing all they can." Lulu said reasonably.

"Just be patient."

Auron fixed Lulu with a sardonic sneer.

"That's like telling a starving dog not to eat." He turned back and fixed Tidus with a stern glare, making sure that he knew he wasn't to do _anything_. He could see the exact moment the message got across, because the blond blitzball player's face fell nearly to his chocobo's feet. But, Tidus was synonymous with Impatience. It was also synonymous with Defiance. It wasn't long before Defiance and Impatience conspired behind a bush and beat the tar out of Restraint and Obedience, then took off to get things moving.

Tidus eyed Kimahri and began slowly edging his chocobo backwards. Foresight told him that this was a really stupid idea and reminded him how messy Death by Ronso was, but Tidus wasn't listening. When he was in position, he grabbed the Ronso's tail and yanked. Kimahri roared, one hairy paw closing around the boy's fragile throat. Grinning like an idiot, Tidus screamed, "Chocobo Eater!" Kimahri blinked in surprise as the road cleared in moments, leaving a wasteland of dropped articles, feathers, and forlornly blowing papers.

"Wow!" Tidus said, still grinning as his friends looked around, their collective minds as barren as ground zero after a blast. Before Thought could evolve and repopulate their minds a geriatric chocobo belatedly lurched past at a terrified limp. She was followed by three old men jerking their stiff, knobby extremities along in a choir of pops, creaks and gastric gurgles.

"Don't just stand there lads, get the wagon!" Sputtered Old Man #1.

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'Review if You Love Chocobos!' 


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Random Bits 3 – Chapter 3

Setting: Yuna and her Guardians are on their way to Guadosalam for a celebration.

**Mi'hen Highroad** - **New Road-South **- Our heroes are chasing the chocobo around in the ruins. Rikku and Wakka have blocked several escape routes with the debris left behind. Everyone else is in the back of the wagon.

Auron, Lulu, and Kimahri hung on grimly to the wildly careening wagon as Tidus, who was standing behind the driver's seat, instructed Old Man #3 to pull up beside the chocobo. (Old folks and wildly careening vehicles are quite common. Its the ones that are careening at speeds over 30 mph that are hard to come by.) Tidus had another plan.

"Yuna, cast Haste on our chocobo!" He commanded, falling backwards with an excited whoop as the wagon sped forward. Auron knew their chances of ever catching the chocobo were doomed when Tidus perched unsteadily on the edge of the wagon, humming his own adventure music, then launched himself at the bird.

The graying chocobo squawked in alarm as the gangly human missile attached itself to her tail with a triumphant "Ha!", which quickly turned into a disbelieving "Ha#$!" as the Ronso leaped from the wagon and joined the chase on all fours.

"Cats." Aruon muttered in disdain. Bounding along behind the chocobo with long jolting steps, Tidus must have looked pretty darn heroic to Yuna. She was the only female in the wagon cheering him on. To the observer he looked like a frog running on two legs and about as ridiculous. It was a shame that he couldn't see himself. Auron had often wondered as to why Tidus' stupidity seemed to attract girls instead of repel them. He had once heard Yuna say that it was 'endearing'.

With the escape routes blocked by Wakka and Rikku, and Tidus with the chocobo in hand, the old men stopped the wagon. Old Man #1 set a sphere on a nearby rock, then hobbled off to join his companions in a game of Sphere Break. This left everyone else to get comfortable and watch the chaos.

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For reasons Auron could not begin to fathom, Yuna (the most respected and honored Summoner) had summoned Ifrit. They probably had to do with love. Most stupid actions were a direct result of love. In fact, Stupidity and Love go hand in hand, but no one ever writes songs about 'The Stupidity of Love' or 'Loving Stupidity'. He was certain that in some cultures the word for love was the same as the one for stupidity.

The Unsent, Legendary Guardian watched Ifrit bound after the Ronso, (who was having to divide his attention between chasing and fleeing) with the enthusiasm instinctive to canids. He watched Tidus, clutching the base of the chocobo's tail, hollering for assistance as Kimahri batted at him. Auron made a mental note to slap Jecht the next time he visited the Farplane. Some people should never be allowed to reproduce, or in Jecht's case, spawn.

Lulu looked at Auron and cast Thunder. Apparently the humor of the scene had run thin. The bolt struck the ground directly in front of the chocobo, silencing the aforesaid Sin spawn's cries for help. The boy even charitably decided to assist in halting the chocobo's forward motion, by digging his heels into the ground.

Up until now, the chocobo had had a pretty wretched day. It had been awakened before dawn, forced to pull a heavy wagon with three crabby old geezers arguing in it, jostled in traffic, and scared closer to death by rumors of a chocobo eater sighting. Now she was being chased around some ruins by an Aeon and a Ronso with a gibbering human hanging on to her tail. To top it all off, some insane Black Mage was trying to fry her with Thunder.

The crack of Thunder threw the chocobo into a self-induced Berserk. The bird back flipped with a squawk and trampled over Kimahri, stopping long enough to get in a few good kicks and pecks, before charging Ifrit with a scream of rage. Faced with the ferocity of the small bird, puffed up in full battle display, Ifrit fled. The Berserk chocobo gave chase 'kwehing' shrilly in rage, with Tidus pleading at the top of his lungs, "Someone do something! Something that _works_!"

"If only he had the sense to let go," Wakka grumbled, pulling his blitzball from its nest in his armpit and kicking it at the chocobo.

Kimahri, who was cautiously uncurling from his protective fetal position, nearly had his ears burned off as the ball skimmed the top of his head and slammed into the back of the chocobo's skull. The impact of the ball froze the poor chocobo in mid step, pitched her forward, snapped her tail feathers, and sent Tidus arcing through the air almost vertically. There wasn't even a proper 'kweh', just a pathetic 'kw' as the bird slid to a halt on its keel, a series of 'zzzzz's' rising from its head.

Always ready to impress Tidus pulled off a magnificent Jecht Shot at the zenith of the arch and an Olympic level landing, fist clutched tightly on the chocobo's tail feathers. The young blitzball star earned wild applause from his companions, a grunt from Auron, and an amused nod from Lulu. She knew skill and a lot of luck when she saw it. Okay, mostly luck.

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Give the three old geezers something to talk about, please review! (You don't want them following you home do you?) :P 


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Random Bits 3 – Chapter 4

Setting: Yuna and her Guardians are on their way to Guadosalam for a celebration.

**Moonflow** - **Shooupuff Station **- Yuna and the others have already boarded the shooupuff. Tidus is waving to his fans and Auron is talking to the three old men, who are standing by the loading platform.

Wakka shifted from foot to foot impatiently, eyes bouncing back and forth between Tidus (who was hollering and waving to a group of young girls) and Auron (who was deep in conversation with the three old men). Their chocobo was standing in its traces trying to hide its bare tail, a single tiny down feather waving from its tip. Wakka watched with interest as the old geezers shouted, waved their arms, and went into multiple 'discussion huddles', before reaching some kind of agreement. Auron was handed a large sack, which he stowed in his robe, and handed over a small sphere. There was a tense silence while the old men crowded around it like hobos around a burning barrel, Auron standing by with a look of absolute confidence lounging on his face.

After a few moments of silence the huddle erupted into various wheezes, cackles, hacks and farting noises, which were quickly stifled. Except for the farting noises. Those are a natural occurrence that accompany the aged.

"That boy's going to make us rich!" Grinned Old Man #3, capering towards the cart with the precious sphere.

"If he thinks he's famous now, just wait 'til the girls see this one!"

Old Man #1 waved good-bye to Yuna and her Guardians.

"Poor kid don't 'ave a clue." He chuckled, or at least attempted to chuckle. It sounded more like a dying machina. He grinned as Tidus waved cheerfully back.

"That was quite clever of him, slowing it down and adding that background music." Said Old Man #2.

"Finally!" Wakka groaned as Auron made his way towards the lift.

"Give him a break." Tidus said "Its not like he gets to hang out with his own kind much."

"Sir Auron isn't that old." Yuna replied his Auron's defense. "He's only 35."

"Hey 30 and up is old."

"Well, Kimahri is 32."

"Oolllldd!" Tidus sang. Rikku, who had been standing next to the silent, and still embarrassed Ronso, (Hey, its embarrassing when you consider yourself civilized and instinct comes along and demolishes everything) sidled away. Kimarhi scowled and swung his massive paw into the back of Tidus' head with enough force to lift him off his feet and over the side of the passenger basket. He ignored Yuna's appalled gasp.

Auron was on his way up in the lift when he heard a loud thunk and saw Tidus plummeting passed him with the grace of a zuu having a narcoleptic episode. He watched as the youth struck the pavement of the dock below, bounced a bit, then lay still, several numbers in the hundreds floating up into the air.

"Someone get a potion." Auron called, heaving a put-upon sigh. He looked down to see the boy leap to his feet, little green numbers floating up from his head, triumphantly shaking his fist at the ronso.

"Ha! I have Regen, you big hairball-hocking jerk! I'm invincible!"

"Better make that a Phoenix Down." Auron corrected himself with a shake of his head. Tidus always had to antagonize things that were bigger and stronger than him. He watched unsurprised as Kimahri leaped from the Shooupuff with a roar. Tidus, seeing unimaginable pain racing towards him in the form of a very angry Kimahri, hit a nice turn of speed by the time the ronso hit the ground. Auron turned away as a particularly shrill scream informed him that Kimahri had caught up with the boy. It was going to be one of _those_ trips.

End

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Okay, that's it! I hope you like it. Send a review (and a Pheonix Down) please! 


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